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How to Write Your Best Book Ever
Welcome!
Pre-Launch Prep | You'll just need to sign this waiver releasing "BBE" from all future costs of counseling, psychological rehabilitation, and shock therapy.
Stress | Before we get started, thinking about changing careers, maybe moving to another country, and giving up gluten, sugar, and dairy. Just so the pain of the course will be lessened. Go!
Part 1 | Procrastinate
Fear | If you aim for perfection and fail miserably, changes are good you'll never take another chance. On anything. So don't start just yet, mull it over for a few years first.
Squirrel! Have you read Susan de Vriend's book "Kill All the Squirrels"? If you're looking for something else to do in order to not actually write, it's a terrible book!
Part 2 | Prose
Ghostwriters | Hire someone who can, you know, actually write. It's just money!
See lesson #1. Move on.
Pop Quiz! If you're a human, you shouldn't ever actually get to Part 2 because you'll be stuck in Part 1: Procrastination in perpetual purgatory! Ha ha ha!
Part 3 | Polish
Edit | Are you kidding me? Edit? Even if you managed to get past Procrastination, we'll keep you stuck in the writing phase until your credit card runs out.
OK, fine. Editing. Slowly read each sentence you wrote and compare your first draft with the bestseller from your favorite author. Use a red pen in the margins.
Part 4 | Publish
Patience | Wait for a New York literary agent to call you. Get something to eat.
Celebrate | Patience is a virtue. We're celebrating our patience. Plus we have nothing else to celebrate. Get something to eat.
Part 5 | Pout
Whine | Moan and groan to your friends (if you still have any) about the book you didn't actually write, never got published, and will never finish.
Pester | Make fun of those students from the "Worst Book Ever" because their books are terrible! (EVEN if they've moved onto other books.)
Part 6 | Pulverize
Pound | It's Time. Pound that persistent perception of perfection into the pavement and get over yourself.
Pride | Pound your chest, pull your chin up, and plead with the bouncers at the "Worst Book Ever" challenge to let you in.
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See lesson #1. Move on.
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